Bloody, Random and Furry: A Resident Evil 'Spoof'
by Traxer
Summary: Odd plot twists, messed up characters and zombie raccoons. A situation conjured up from the question: What if the name Raccoon City was taken literally? You have a little bloody fun. Any reviews welcome. Teaser 'trailer' up.
1. The Office

The hallway was unusually white, eerily white, a white that almost blinded the fox when he broke out of the closet he had been jammed into. He rubbed his eyes, muttering words too acidic to be revealed here. As soon as his orientations were returned his paws yanked out twin pistols and spun in a full circle. The hall was empty, one way led to a endless hall of doors, somewhat like the Matrix, the other led to a glass door at the end of the hall, foggy glass that couldn't be seen through.

The fox, Rex, hated choices. Also, this was too calm, from what he had went through in the last hour, there had to be some major and life threatening conflict somewhere, waiting for him and asking for a violent clash.

Rex was a normal fox, except for the white steak that led from his nose, over his head, and down his back. This made him an individual, a special being in the situation at hand, one of those characters that probably won't die because he's destined to be the 'hero' of sorts, if they can be called 'heroes' in this kind of plot. The black vest he wore, plus the pistols, had been taken in his flight from the experimentation deck and cloud that definitely was not air fresher to get rid of the mucky, rotten garbage smell in that part of the building. The moans and screams of agony it left in its wake didn't do anything to stop Rex from fleeing into the airtight vault.

That had been two days ago, and he still had all the bullets in his guns and he still wasn't sure what was going on.

Rex walked down the hallway to the foggy door, his claws clacking against the smooth marble floor. Rex wondered why a random hallway had marble floors. The Umbrella Corp. had more money than he figure at first. He didn't know much about the Umbrella Corp. in the first place, so it didn't matter. The marble was cold on his footpads.

He shot one of his guns twice, the glass door shattered. He could have just opened it; there was no lock or keypad. The shooting of the door made it more exciting. Rex carefully stepped over the broken glass of the former door, he was stepping into an office, quiet normal for an bland office...except for the papers all over the floor, the ceiling ripped up and sparks raining from it, lights hanging askew and broken, leaving dim illumination and shadows in room, and, of course, splatters of blood everywhere.

"Wow, they sure do know how to throw retirement parties 'round here," Rex muttered, edging his way into the room. It was much dimmer than the hall, Rex's eyes rejoiced, but this left a much more uncertainty of the shadows, more sense of growing tension. An upbeat in the musical score started, all eyes locked on the shadow emerging from beneath a desk that the fox had passed. The shadow stalked towards Rex from behind.

The fox sensed it, slowly turned around, and looked up into the raccoon's face. No, that's not enough information. He looked up into the rotting flesh and fur, the skeletal grin of open jaws, eyes white and hanging out of their sockets, of a raccoon, a sight that brought Rex the memory of the time in school when he left a sardine, pickle, baloney, and chocolate syrup sub sandwich crushed under his books and discovered it at the end of the year. He recoiled from the form, and a chair, inconveniently right behind him to cause more conflict, caused him to fall to the floor, hard, making the guns fall from his paws.

Rex desperately scrambled backwards, the raccoon kept coming, stiffly. The fox was panicking as he waved his paws at the raccoon, "Wait, wait, halt the suspense, I'm not a disposable character, let me get the guns so I can shoot you..."

The decaying raccoon licked his nonexistent lips and continuing stalking. Rex had backed into a desk, he searched for an escape; he had backed into a cubicle. He'd heard these were death traps but this was ridiculous. He pondered if this was what it felt like to have a job and a boss.

The raccoon stood over the fox's cowering form. He objected, "This is just the beginning sequence, I can't be eliminated yet, and anyway, I'm into sugar foods, I'm high in fatty stuff, come on..."

The raccoon's face came closer, its bloody mouth open, its jaws only held by thin pieces of flesh, a smell emaciated from its throat that made Rex choke, it smelled of a mix of rotten eggs, blue cheese and locker room.

Then, when the jaws were inches away, at that convenient point of time came the explosion. Blood went everywhere. The raccoons half gone head was now all gone. Rex was covered in the blood, he sighed in relief, then realized something was moving. The rest of the body was flailing at him.

Rex scrabbled out of the evil cubicle, right into another raccoon. Only difference, this one was not rotten, and this one was holding a shotgun.

"Hullo there," the raccoon said, in friendly 'isn't it a wonderful day?' matter, which scared Rex even more than his recent encounter.

"Who the heck are you?" Rex inquired, scanning the floor for his guns.

"Wow, his head blew up like a melon struck by lightning," he said, in the same over cheerful voice.

Rex stiffened at the comparison, "Ur...I guess so..."

"It also exploded blood, like a water balloons splurging water, all over the place. It sorta looks black in this lighting. Odd."

Retrieving his guns and holstering them, he returned to the raccoon who had not moved a muscle since the shooting. Rex waved a paw in front of the raccoon's eyes, not even a flinch. As Rex had expected, he was in shock. There was only one cure for this. He slapped his paw across the raccoon's maw.

"Ow, thanks, I needed that."

"You've never shot that shotgun before, have you?"

"No, I haven't how do you know."

"Your mind went into 'happy delirium'. Now who are you?"

"DUCK!"

"That's an weird name."

"NO, DUCK!"

"'No Duck'? that's even an weirder name."

The raccoon used the rifle to smack the fox aside, just before the rotting raccoon's headless body's claws ripped into him, and shot out another barrel into the thing. This time the details were not even worth mentioning considering it mostly consisted of 'bloody body stuff' that went everywhere, we may as well keep this PG, although that line has been passed a while ago at the 'exploding head' part.

"I'm so glad I did have breakfast...or lunch...or dinner..." the fox concluded, seeing the damage the gun had rained over the area behind where the body had once stood, "I wonder where the cafeteria is in this place."

Giving a look of complete and utter confusion, he stared at the fox a long while. "Are you crazy?" the raccoon inquired.

"You're the one named 'No Duck'."

"My name's Dringer," the raccoon shot back, becoming more perplexed by the second.

"Why didn't you say that in the first place?"

"Because of a zombie that was about to kill you!"

"Oh, I knew that rotten thing looked familiar, zombies, that's the name..."

"Stop, stop," Dringer interrupted, "Do you have any idea what's going on in this building?"

Putting his eyes up in thought and a paw on his chin, Rex gave the appearance of concentration for about three seconds before responding, "Nope. You?"

Dringer shook his head.

"So you've never shot a gun before. That was great aim. What's your secret?"

"It's called panic and adrenalin," Dringer muttered. Who the heck was this fox? He was getting on his nerves despite the fact he was distracted by the fear that something would drop from the ceiling and kill them in one swipe of a mangled bloody paw and would end this messed up plot.

On the other paw, that would finally end the dang suspense building up.

This brought something else ponder. "This whole series of dialogue does not fit here at all," Dringer added.  
  
"It doesn't have to, we're in a horror genre."  
  
A rattling crash sounded from the double doors at the other end of the room and both creatures jumped. The rattling continued, echoing into the office area. Just as the fox opened his mouth to say another somewhat sarcastic and witty comment on the sound, much to Dringer's relief, a computer start up sound rang out from a nearby cubical.

Without having to confer, the two beasts edged towards the cubical to peak at the screen, which automatically started showing nifty presentation graphics.  
  
"Hello and welcome to the Umbrella Corporation," a electronic female voice emaciated from the speakers, "On a normal basis I would tell you how wonderful our products are for the well being of skin everywhere and making creatures be young and beautiful." The image of a well groomed weasel appeared on the screen going through slow motion shampooing of its fur. "But unfortunately," the image turned dark and the weasel face decayed in a quiet unprofessional graphic of the flesh on the weasel...doing more things that I don't wish to describe, "I must inform our loyal customers...and you, Rex and Dringer...are all going to die. Have a nice day."  
  
The computer turned off.  
  
"That was somewhat disheartening on my goal of self preservation," Dringer commented.  
  
"Hey, I'm supposed to be the cynical one, you're supposed to be the 'scared and clueless' one."  
  
The rattling of the door interrupted the conversation.  
  
"I think we could take them on," Rex announced, "I mean, we could, it'd take a lot of bullets that we don't have but we could use office chairs and be creative and..."  
  
By this time, Dringer was past the other pair of double doors in the opposite direction of the rattling. The fox considered his options, he could A-go down now in a flame of gunfire for no reason right now, B-follow his newfound companion and find some 'heroic' way to go down in a flame of gunfire, or C-wake up.  
  
He pinched himself.  
  
Nothing happen.  
  
'Dang,' he thought and ran in pursuit of the raccoon.


	2. The Cafeteria

**Resident Evil 'Spoof': Part 2**

**The Cafeteria **

"What kinda name is Dringer? It sounds like a sort of college drinking game."

"I wouldn't say anything more about my name unless you would enjoy a discussion over 'Rex'."

Rex pondered the possible outcomes of such a conversation, and cringed inwardly, "Point taken.

The fox and raccoon walked at a wary pace down a hall. The hall was dark, grimy, blood pawprints wiped across the walls, and contained an odd stench that brought images of a damp locker room. Whenever they got to a dark corner or a intersection in the hall, the fox insisted on doing random spins while aiming the guns at any dark and suspicious corner while Dringer stared, shaking his head in pity.

The suspense grew as they passed each bad camera angle.

Rex evaluated the appearance of the raccoon: he wore a dark blue cloak and vest that appeared to a few sizes too small for the creature; he walked odd also, in a loping, awkward gait as if he weren't used to his legs, in fact all of the raccoon's mannerisms appeared to be gauche and uncharacteristic to the species. On the other paw, this was probably just due to bad acting.

He finally realized where he had seen the cloak before.

"You're with the Raccoon City Recorders," he concluded aloud.

"Yes."

Impatiently, Rex waited for the revelation/twist that Dringer was bound to spill pretty soon since they hadn't had a bloody conflict during the last ten minutes and the suspense level had diminished at the moment.

The silence deepened. Even the creepy and cheap background music had diminished.

"Ahem."

Dringer ignored the fox.

The fox sighed, and then grumbled another question, "What brought you to this place?"

"I was participating in a free tour of the Umbrella Corp. so I could write a description of it for the Archives. It started off as a normal enough tour of the facilities, then I was shocked at what I found..."

"What? The weird and messed up genetic experiments they were doing behind the cover of being a 'bath and beauty products' company?"

"No, the fact that they don't manufacture umbrellas here."

A cymbal sounded off from somewhere down the hall.

"Wow, that must have the lousiest pun I've ever heard. Are you sure you're also the comic relief of this tale?"

"Hey, it's not like I have much to work with. You get to be 'bitingly sarcastic'"

"True."

They made it to a pair swinging double doors, one of the door creaking back and forth as if something had just past it...either going in...or out. The two creatures looked up, no creepy zombie thing about to fall onto them was sticking to the ceiling, very odd.

Maybe the FX budget of the story had fell out.

Or maybe an army of zombies was waiting for them behind the door so that they could blow them to bloody bits that I wouldn't be able to describe without nausea issues.

They cocked their guns and burst through the door, Rex's bursting accompanied a slow motion Matrix leap, both guns blasting. He realized the room was empty, the slow motion budget fell out and the fox slammed face first into the floor and the remnants of rotten food, mushy bread, lunch meats that probably bite if someone tried to eat them, pools of yellow rancid milk,

Trying to suppress his snickering, Dringer commented, "Hey, we found the cafeteria. While you catch up on your eating, I'll go off to the kitchen, alone and see if I can get in exciting trouble to move this plot along."

"I'M STUCK TO THE FLOOR!"

"OK, sure I'll go."

OOO

The kitchen, if you could believe it, was just as much an eyesore as the rest of the mucked up Umbrella Corporation. The gas stoves were on, the plumes of flame rose from the burners, charring the metal awning above, a pot sat over one of the burners, something long stuck out of the pot. Dringer took a step closer, it was a tail, and within the pot he could make out the shape of two tattered ears flopping out, rabbit ears.

Clamping his maw from the upwelling of his stomach, the raccoon stumbled back, right into a fridge, red substance flowing down it onto his shoulder, blood type subtance. That didn't phase Dringer much. What did phase Dringer was that impact that came from _Iinside the fridge/I._

The fridge door rattled again.

Dringer still had the shotgun in his paws, in one move he spun, cocked the gun, and fired.

Click.

The gun didn't fire, and it dawned on Dringer that the conflict at this moment that was he didn't have anymore ammunition in his gun. He really wanted to swear right now.

The refrigerator door creaked open and the raccoon couldn't get himself to run, his eyes grew wide as sauce plates. Out of all the things he expected to be lurking in that fridge, whether it be a bloody deformed monster or another zombie or his evil third grade teacher from the Black Lagoon, this had to be the least anticipated.

He blinked.

It was still there.

Bounded and gagged, donned in a blood splattered and ripped lab coat, a squirrel was jammed into the fridge upright, alive, her expression that of terror.

"Thank goodness," Dringer muttered, as he rushed to help the squirrel, and remove the mucky cloth from her mouth, "You are sight for sore eyes..."

"EEEE, GET YOUR ROTTEN PAWS OFF-"

Replacing the gag, he rolled his eyes at the recollection of his appearance, "My name's Dringer, I'm a 'NON ZOMBIED RACCOON.' Understand?"

The squirrel didn't look convinced.

"OK, you need proof? Note dignified black furred mask, flawless gray fur, and ringed tail, all totally not exposing any pieces of flesh hanging from bone in a sickening array; plus I'm not moving' in the 'dead coon waltz' at snails pace to try and eat you in a ungentlemanly like matter, and to ice the cake, I'm not moaning as if I'm singing along to some messed drugged up lyrics of rock band. That enough?" he said, finishing it off with a sigh.

The squirrel nodded. Dringer removed the gag once again.

"They-they put in me in here..." the squirrel stammered, "And they had Muff and Trot...and...and...what happened to..."

"Stop a sec, so those raccoons put you in here?" The squirrel maid nodded. Dringer glance back at the stove, "Were Muff and Trot by any chance a rat and a rabbit?"

"Yes, what happened to them?"

"Ur...you don't want to know."

"What's that cooking smell?"

"Muff and Trot." His conscience sighed sarcastically, 'Way to keep the gal calm.'

The squirrelmaid, breaking down into a spill of tears, fell on to Dringer and clutched him close, sobbing, "Oh my gosh, we never meant this to happen! Why?! Why?!"

Dringer groaned inwardly at this bout of lousy acting, then froze. Between the pitiful sobs of this 'maiden in despair', the collective groans of something could be heard, somewhere close, in the same room...

He struggled a few steps back, the squirrel hanging from him, to see past the open fridge door, where a group of maybe half a dozen caresses of raccoons were, some heads half gone, limbs at odd, disfigured angles, flesh oozing everywhere through pealing skin, some in shredded chef outfits and other in neatly blood soaked business suits.

"Eep!" he screeched at a pitch a bit higher then he wanted, a mistake he knew would send the audience to snicker despite the dire situation.

His mind blinked something.

A crazy idea that only messed up horror genres writers like myself can think up from watching too many movie trailers for action and suspense films.

Shedding the squirrel, who fell to the ground in a thump and plaintive 'Ow', he rushed to the stove, turned off the burners, took the rifle, bashed the pipes leading to the stove until they started hissing, grabbed the squirrel from the floor, realized that the entrance he came through was blocked my more zombies, and froze. They were surrounded.

"What the heck are you doing?" the squirrel screamed an inquiry, forgetting about sobbing anymore.

From the corner of his eye, he saw the flimsy plastic sheet of the serving window that separated the kitchen from the cafeteria, an escape route. Only problem, the zombies were already past that point of the kitchen, to get there would mean to go straight into bloody and rotting zombiefing claws and jaws.

Only one chance.

"Look! It's the Goodyear blimp!" Dringer yelled at the zombies, pointing over them in the opposite direction of the serving window.

The zombies turned their heads in the direction.

Still dragging the squirrelmaid, Dringer scrambled onto the counter that led to the window, skirted part the distracted zombies, considered smacking a few for no reason before he unceremoniously tripped on a rolling pin and fell into and through the plastic of the serving window.

This sequence would make a lot more sense if you could see the disjointed action rather than reading it.

O O O

Rex was doing some rather jaw dropping and disjointed stuff himself in the cafeteria. 'Jaw-dropping', meaning a few of the bullets that flew from his gun knocked the already precarious jaws off the stalking zombies that now crowded in from the entrance of the cafeteria.

Despite his guns shooting out a ridiculous amount of bullets for just a pair of pistols, the shots did nothing to hinder the zombies' movement forward. It just caused random limbs to fall off, huge bullet holes in bodies, and overall array of more bloody mess then there was in the first place, which is quiet an accomplishment for a sequence like this. They still came. The bullets stopped coming.

Rex tossed the worthless weapons at the zombies. The guns hit the nearest two in the head, who fell back, into the next four behind, and they fell into the next row and so on, until the domino effect took hold and knocked down all the zombies.

"Heck, why didn't I do that in the first place!" he muttered aloud at the ceiling.

About a minute later, when the zombies were getting back to their feet, Dringer and the squirrel appeared. When Rex and the squirrel met eyes, they both hissed, "YOU."

Dringer sighed, "Oh great you know each other, just what we need: personal tensions. Rex, do you got a light?"

"You shouldn't be smoking. I know this is a stressful situation and you need something to take the edge off, but there's alternate routes. You're not setting a good example anyway. Remember readers, say no to drugs."

Awkward silence took hold for a good minute; even the zombies had stopped making their annoying moans.

"Wow," Dringer said, "I really wish I had ammunition right now. Do you have a lighter, matches, a pair of sticks, anything useful in making a flame?"

"Would a self-lighting blow torch work?" he said, producing a large canister.

"Why do you have that?"

"To make s'mores."

"What? Wh-never mind just hand it over."

Rex started to hand it forward, then jerked it back, "Wait, does this have anything to do with a fiery inferno?"

"Ur...sorta..."

"Can I do it? Please, please, pleeeeezzze"

"Get off my legs and stop begging. Go ahead, just aim at that serving window," Dringer directed. He saw another pair of doors for a perfect exit, and, still holding the 'no-name' squirrel maid, jogged towards them, the zombies were stalking again. When they got to the doors, it occurred to Dringer that he had bashed a good sized hole in that gas pipe, and it had been leaking for a good five minutes or something, and if the FX crew had enough money and it was lit the ensuing reaction would be...

"Wow, that fox is such a jerk," the squirrel muttered to herself, watching Rex take his time to throw the torch, as the zombies moved ever closer. The suspense rose.

"REX, GET OUT OF..."

The torch left the fox's paw, it didn't make it to the serving window, the gas ignited before then.

FOOSH!

A ball of flame emitted from the kitchen in a huge, bright explosion, filling the room, engulfing all the zombies and a certain, surprised fox; the air produced from the blast blowing Dringer and the squirrel past the double doors out of the cafeteria.

In that one horrified second, one thought ran in Dringer's mind: That was one sweet explosion.

The second thought that came was that this was only scene two and the writers had killed the main characters.

Or so he thought.

The doors bashed open and a charred Rex fell smack dab onto Dringer, knocking the air out of him.

"Wow! That was so cool...and painful, I can't decide which!" Rex yelled at his trying to breath comrad.

"Why can't you die?" Dringer managed to sob.


	3. The Laser Lightshow

"So, you're a geneticist," Dringer stated aloud.

"Yes, I just said that," the squirrel shot back, annoyance biting from her words.

The raccoon carefully glanced over the squirrel, she was a spitfire alright, somewhat helpless in expression despite trying to keep a courageous cap on things. She was going to surprise them somehow and give the female audience someone to cheer for. Her bushy tail wavered from each sound. She was a nervous time bomb waiting to pop. The whole geneticist profession couldn't be a good sign either.

They walked down the murky hallway, the sounds of eerie creaks in the background, odd when considering that the hallway was normal, drab and had walls of industrial steel. It still had the occasional suspicious door passages, leading off alternate routes, and such, all void of the ever possible 'surprise attack'. Rex did his spin move to check at each corner, aiming his 'guns'.

"You realize that you're unarmed," the squirrel blurted as Rex added a little somersault to his next move and smacked his head into the doorframe.

"Ow," Rex muttered, getting to his feet, "It's all about the presentation and intimidation…Jessi."

"So they'll just fall to pieces from interpretive dance. Wow, I'm impressed," she responded, sarcasm buttered graciously on each word hissed past her bared teeth.

"Have you seen their dance moves?"

"Stop already, I'll bite, what is the deal with you two?!" Dringer groaned, attempting to keep his paws from ripping his own ears off, the result of the consistent 'character conflict'.

"Oooo, oooo, I know, we could get a vague, blurry flashback," Rex suggested.

"Oy," the raccoon sighed.

OOO

_Scene tinged in red flashes up, scene of Rex, in bed, plastic tubes leading everywhere around him, he appears to be unconscious. He wakes, gasping, pulls large black tube from mouth._

"_There's no more chocolate milk!" he calls, shaking tube. _

_Jessi comes into blurry scene, tapping unusually large needle syringe, "Could you please turn over?"_

_The fox thinks suggestion over a moment. His eyes widen, and then he grabs his tail in alarm. "Heck no." _

"_Move it."_

_Rex shakes tube again; a sudden spurt of chocolate milk shoots out, covering Jessi's face and she screams. _

_Scene ends and blurs out._

OOO

Rex and Jessi looked down their snouts straight into each other's eyes, knifes shooting between them.

Meanwhile, Dringer pounded his head against the metal wall.

"How come you weren't infected?" Rex asked, deciding it was time to add some more background to this tense situation.

"Special gas masks, barely escaped the lab area from some…glitches. Got knocked out. Woke up next to some of my colleagues, zombies came from everywhere. They dragged us to kitchen. That's it."

"Way to be vague," Dringer called from the background.

"How 'bout you?" Jessi directed at Rex.

"The clean room, not really that clean actually, smells like chicken, was knocked out, various stuff happened, here I am."

Awkward silence, Jessi and Rex both hit the same thought and brought their attention to Dringer.

"What?" the raccoon inquired of the weird inquiring stares.

"You said something about a tour earlier, the plot needs a twist, how come you're not zombified?"

"Ur…"

Now, the pace of the music had went soft, and whenever that happens the suspense rises, in turn the apprehension gains, those who hate sitting through this start pacing, Dringer's nervous face comes closer and closer. He's backing near an unchecked dark passageway.

Silence. Dringer glances at watch and yawns.

Scrambling is heard, along with groaning.

Silence again.

Finally, zombie falls on top of Dringer. Jessi screams in a pitiful matter, Rex rants aloud, "You have to delay the twist, don't ya?" Dringer struggles to keep the dripping jaws and claws away, jammed onto the floor by the weight of the zombie. His paws shove at the zombie's chest to push him up. Instead, the sternum and ribs crack and let out and Dringer's paws go into a sickening texture of gory mess in the body of the zombie, the organs slipping in his paws, the progress stopping when hit the spine. By that point the very startled Dringer's arms were half into the zombie's body and globs of blood were running spilling out. The jaws clashed inches from his face, accompanied by the rancid rotten smell of rotten eggs and peanut butter. This desperate moment would not last much longer.

A long blunt object smacked into zombie, knocking him off the almost hyperventilating Dringer. The long blunt object, the still present shotgun, was held by the squirrelmaiden, Jessi. Past the terrified numbness, Dringer could almost hear the cheers of feminists from the audience in his ears

"Impressive act of uncharacteristic action," Rex commented, sounding not impressed.

"Look!" she screamed, directing a paw down the hall, past the form of the impaled zombie (who was scooping up some of his spilling gore to his…mouth…and…you don't want to know). More zombies, again, some charred to being half gone and some new ones in all their gory detail, all still doing the slow, not even scary anymore, stalking.

Dringer scrambled to his footpaws, the blood slipping under his paws, "RUN!" The three turned to run in the opposite direction, to find a reflective metal panel blocking their way. The literal phase, dead end, flashed in their heads.

Then, something somewhat unexpected happened to change this situation.

A thin line of light appeared laterally across the hall. Despite the cheerful shade of neon shade of blue jay egg, it seemed to be screaming at them 'additional unneeded conflict'. They heard a low buzzing, something akin to the sound of old florescent lights. The ray of light slipped across the wall in their direction.

"Is just me, but does that look like a laser?" Rex asked.

The thought dawned on them.

"DUCK!"

"We're not going to go into this dialogue again, are we?" Rex sighed.

Dringer wasn't in the mood for this; he took Jessi and Rex by the arms, and bodily yanked them to the ground. The laser beam slipped over, the zombies in its path. It paused.

A catchy rock beat started echoed in the hall, the blue beam separated into an array of colors on the Technicolor rainbow and started moving to the beat of the music. This could have been a visual treat for the eyes of the whole family…until the beams hit the dimwitted zombies.

You know, I'd describe in great detail exactly what happened, but that would just cross the line. Let's leave it as a simile: huge dark strawberry jelly accident and leave it there. If you need to know, the FX team set a record for the amount of blood used in a scene.

"I guess that's what's called a 'laser light show'" Dringer concluded, to which soon after a cymbal sounded from somewhere.

"What in the-BEEP-was that from?" Rex asked. He glanced around, "Hey, I didn't think this was censored film, and I didn't even swear anyway. Curse you FDA!"

"Are you cursing the Federal Drag Association?" Jessi snickered.

"Ur…dang it."

"That beep wasn't over zealous censors," Dringer informed, "It came from that door that has mysteriously appeared in the 'dead end' and we must investigate…or else."

"Or else what?"

"Or else we'll have to endure the groans of the audience as we bore them to death by staying in rather bloody and dank and overall visually mind numbing hallway."

"Too late," Rex announced.

"OK, that's it, let's get this scene over with and go through the door," Jessi said, exasperation.

They walked through the door.


	4. Red Dwarf

Resident Evil 'Spoof': Part 4

'Red Dwarf' 

Somewhere in the deep annals of wherever this tale is taking place, in a dark shadowy locale, in tall metal container, something pounded from within in a loud jarring noise that would make an audience jerk in their seats if they were watching this. A crack appeared on the side of the container and a huge set of claws punctured through it. A loud, stinging roar explodes the former quiet.

There is only one word for this almost pointless scene: foreshadowing.

OOO

The three characters of our tale had entered through the dim passage and now stood in a room of questionable integrity against the rather annoying zombie raccoons. This was bound to set up another twist to the plot.

"Where in the world are we?" Dringer asked, his voice sounding tinny in this metal room of eerie lighting arrangements.

"You just have to keep avoiding the whole 'revelation' subject, don't you?" Rex replied.

"Stop it with that 'revelation' topic!" the raccoon yelled back, the last of the phase echoing somewhere in the room.

"It's the security system center."

Dringer paused from stalking Rex to strangle him while he heard the response from the momentarily forgotten squirrel, Jessi who stood nearby, arms crossed, eyes flicking in a far away gaze. Her mind fizzled in the attempts to erase the bloody mess that she had just witnessed and also a warning that she began to recall.

"You're quiet intimidating when your arms are covered in blood like that ol' Dringer," Rex noted cheekily.

Throwing a growl at Rex in a counter to the comment, Dringer turned his attention to Jessi, "How'd you know what room this is?"

"I _do _work here. I know the basic setup of this place. It was in the initiation tour that I saw this place, and we were warned about this area…"

"Dare I ask the fated question?" Rex volunteered the rhetorical inquiry, trying his best to give a cynical, devil-may-dare impression, "Why?"

"Because of me."

The entrance from which they had came into the room screeched shut in a metallic bang and the light of the room flickered dimmer.

"I cannot believe we did not see that coming! I mean, come on. The enclosed metal room, the one exit, the lighting, it screamed 'trap for unwitting characters' and…"

"Shut up fox."

"What's with the lady British voice in here?" said Dringer, past his teeth from the side of mouth to Jessi.

"It's the…"

"Red Dwarf if you may please," the lady British voice cut in. A flickering of red light interspersed in the room and holographic imagery appeared in the center of the circular room until the form of a hologram weasel fully appeared and focused out, an unusually short weasel.

"Wait, judging by that name, I would figure this will warrant probable copyright lawsuits."

"I told you to shut up fox."

"She's an advanced form of artificial intelligence that the Umbrella Corporation instituted to…"

"While I'm on the subject, you shut up too Dr. Jessi. I can't believe you're still here. That lab elimination ploy was foolproof."

Jessi blinked in realization, "You tried to kill…?!"

"Silence. You know the basics of this precarious situation and I want to reiterate the details out to this rather clueless individual here who I think deserves to be informed of them."

Rex raised a paw.

"Ah heck, I really wish I could make British swears at you. What is it?"

"I appreciate the acknowledgement," Rex said, giving a sincere appearance.

"I'm not talking about you, you pathetic, major annoyance of a vulpes vulpes," Red Dwarf yelled, waving her arms about as if having a fit, "I'm referring to the 'raccoon', Dringer." She turned to the stunned raccoon, "This part is already getting to be dialogue ridden beyond reason, so shall I get to the somewhat quick gist of the plot?"

A cloud of profound confusion had set on raccoon, "Ur…ever get the feeling we're all pawns and our fate is set in a really messed up story of a amateur writer composing a parody of a zombie movie?"

A period of awkward silence commenced here, accompanied by blank stares.

"Oh, cancel that question. Sure, explain."

"OK. Currently, the place where you standing in the security chamber in the center of a top secret complex that is hundreds of feet below the streets of Raccoon City. It is called the 'Mole Hole' because moles constructed this setup of confusing chambers of tunnels and passageways. That really has nothing to do with the situation at hand, I just wanted to inform you of a useless fact and succeed in my evil plot to bore the audience to death."

Rex opened his mouth to interrupt but Red Dwarf beat him to the punch, "There's a cache of weapons in that cabinet in the shadows, occupy yourself while I babble a little more." Barely suppressing a sudden bout of childlike enthusiasm, Rex dove in the direction the holographic weasel pointed.

"Where was I?" the weasel asked, refocusing on Dringer.

"Ur…boring the audience to death?" Dringer tried.

"Ah yes. I'll skip that. Long story short, the T-Virus has affected almost everyone in this building and you are all going to die, though I could be wrong considering there could very well be a sequel to this plot. Dringer, if you haven't noticed yet, there is a cut on your right paw under all that zombie blood, and you've been infected," Red Dwarf in stated in a matter of fact way, almost smurking.

"WHAT!?" Dringer and Jessi yelled at the same time.

"Ooo, interesting conflict, I think this calls for a bigger gun," Rex yelled from inside the cabinet, various forms of weapons clattering to the ground as he searched.

His paws waving in all directions in a state of panic and disbelief, his voice stuttering as if on a scratched CD, Dringer gasped, "It-it-it can happen t-t-twice?"

Jessi's gaze turned suspicious, "You've already been infected? How come you're not zombizied? The virus has a disastrous effect on all raccoons' nervous systems and you never said what happened to you and…"

"Plot twist, the revelation, great timing, I just found a ridiculously high powered gun," the fox exclaimed, coming back next his companions, now wearing a dark pair of sunglasses for just the specific reason of completing the 'cool techno-warrior' look.

The scene started to get all 'wavy'. "I guess this means an annoying flashback…" Dringer groaned.

OOO

_In scene of dim blurry color, a group of creatures, mostly raccoons, step out of an elevator. A young mouse lags behind, wearing a navy blue cloak much like Dringer's. The mouse snaps a picture with his camera every few steps. He jogs to catch up to the group and raises a paw to ask a question, the tour guide points, the dialogue is too dim to hear. _

_The scene flashes._

_The mouse is staring in a mirror in the restroom, he's muttering "..can't believe there's no umbrellas here…" Without warning the lights flicker, flashing red lights out off, the mouse appears confused and flustered, behind him, a white gas starts flowing out of a ventilation shaft, tension rises. The mouse collapses. Scene flashes. _

_The mirror view is shown, the bathroom is now unusually grimy and sinister, the production design team was trying too hard on the 'sinister factor' here, it brings to mind the bathroom at a hockey stadium. A black paw grasps on the sink, instead of the mouse, a raccoon appears in the mirror, wearing the navy blue cloak. The coon is dumbstruck._

_Scene blanks out _

OOO

"I cannot believe how messed up that was," Rex concluded, cocking the big gun, "Can we get back to mindless violence now?"

"Wow, you were a mouse and now you're a raccoon, that's an interesting side effect," Jessi said, slowly backing away from Dringer's rage quivering paws (he was in rage due to contributing to a stupid flashback).

"No, really?" Dringer said in a true tone of sarcasm dripping from his words enough to put a zombie into a coma, which makes no sense because a better analogy couldn't be found currently.

"OK, that's it, you have to find the anecdote within the period of two hours or you'll become a zombie creature. It should be in the lab area, the rest of the plot I'll leave to the next conflict makers," the Red Dwarf system sighed, annoyance dripping from her words, enough to…do…something,"This has gone long enough, I'll just let those idiots hack into my system and open the door now."

"But we're already in here," Rex said.

"No, you're a moronic nimrod. I'm talking about other idiots." And with that, a panel on the steel walls slid open and a startled looking stoat, a grim looking raccoon, and a goofy looking hare entered the room, all in the same black uniforms and vests, all holding various weapons. This seems rather odd to be introduced to characters halfway through a tale and this might confuse you in the future. Face it; the dialogue in this tale is disjointed as it is with just three main characters, how will this work with three more?

It probably won't work, but don't let that bother you now. You don't even have to know who the heck these guys are.

All you need to know now is that they saw Dringer, blood all over his body from the zombie encounter, the images of zombies they had just been fighting flashed in their heads, and they cocked their guns and they started shooting…a lot.

An odd British SciFi TV show. Don't ask.


	5. The Elevator

**Resident Evil 'Spoof' Part 5**

_The Elevator_

In Rex's cunning, sly, and sarcastic mind, his gears slowed and so did the scene before his eyes and every detail of this moment slipped into a surreal state of time distortion. The three beasts, professional enforcers by every hint of their attire, the utility belts, the black vests equipped with various amounts of 'useful items', and the raccoon of the group even had a pair of night vision goggles hanging round his neck.

Rex had gathered this rather pointless information in less than a second.

What mattered were the weapons and that odd impression they gained on their faces when they saw Dringer.

Rex's mouth opened to say something, "-BEEP-" Where had that beep come from? He knew it; the FCC _was_ following him.

The paws of the three beasts went for the triggers. Defying time in an fast/slow reaction, Rex jumped, one paw grabbing Jessi, the other Dringer, knocking them down, behind the steel pillar in the center of the metallic room, just as the bullets started to rain.

As they hit the floor sparks and steel fragments flew everywhere. Rex saw the image of the Red Dwarf, the weasel's eyes in a cool and evil stare at the shooters as her hologram flickered and disintegrated. Something told Rex that that couldn't be a good sign. The bullets weren't that great of a sign either. Where was his gun?

Behind him, where bullets ricocheted everywhere, his gun lie on the floor, 'Perfect' Rex thought sarcastically, there was only one little choice left. Rex stood up and stepped out from behind the pillar, "Wait, we're the good guys, don't…"

The fox may have underestimated the amount of ammunition in the air and overestimated his 'immunity factor' this plot.

In a bloody impact Rex was thrown against the wall.

Confused, the mysterious and new characters stopped shooting with reckless abandon.

Dringer, recovered from that 'slow motion' daze, jumped out from behind the pillar, "I'm a not a zombie!"

"Yet," Jessi added, brushing the shrapnel off.

"Not important," Dringer muttered through clenched teeth.

"Why should we believe you?" the raccoon asked in a deep, rumbling voice that gave the sinking feeling that he was a 'no-nonsense leader' type.

"Ur…" Dringer said, distracted by the laser light from the gun bouncing about before his eyes.

The other door of the room screeched open, revealing a crowd of the zombie raccoons and Dringer saw opportunity for explanation. He confidently walked over to the first zombie at the door, "You see, there is many differences here, including my crisp clear voice compared to his monotonous moan, my flawless fur and his hanging flesh, his disjointed joints…" he compared, patting on the zombie's arm, which fell out and flopped about on the floor.

Jessi asked bluntly, "Haven't we already covered this?"

Dringer pulled out a wad of papers and squinted at them, "I see, silly me, this script is out of order…" He reread it, "Oh, wait, no, its just the bad writers again."

"Excuse me," the hare of the trio interrupted, his ears twitching nervously, his voice giving that mellow impression, "I think we're supposed to be panicking or fleeing or something like that…"

"Don't tell me you actually read this junk," Dringer said, shaking the script about, taken aback by the prospect.

"Didn't everyone?"

The question received a collection of shaking heads, even the zombies shook their heads, and one of their heads fell off because of the action. If Rex were conscious he would make some lame comment of not 'losing their heads'. Our raccoon 'hero' Dringer remembered this and snickered at the incredibly bad, yet untold, bad pun, breaking the silence.

This sound broke just about everything bad into the original tenseness and peril situation that was meant to happen when the zombie's had entered in the first place. The zombies started moaning again and began to stumble into the room.

The professional, leader type raccoon's nerve left him and he made a quick decision, "Ur…shall we suspend all debate between each other and retreat in a cool and calm matter?"

"What about Rex?" Jessi asked.

"Who?"

"The fox you shot."

"Well…"

"I'm fine let's go," exclaimed Rex from where he stood, right next to Jessi, the sneakiness causing Jessi to jump in surprise.

"You were just shot…how…? Never mind…" Dringer muttered, the twists were beginning to make less and less sense.

OOO

Cool and calm was not a good way to describe the way that they ran down the hallway away from the security room, it was more of a panicked scramble of sorts. The tenseness was heightened by the fact that no one knew where they were going.

Dang these white hallways, Dringer thought, like a labyrinth or something, like mice in a maze. Technically he was a mouse so this made a little sense in this random situation, though Dringer couldn't figure out what kind of sense it made.

Meanwhile, the under-nature-developed squirrel, Jessi was attempting to crack the rock tough exterior on the raccoon leader of the trio, so that meant the peppering of questions, "Who are you?"

"Axaxas," the raccoon answered, blunt and rough.

Whoa, overwhelmed by the description, she thought sarcastically, she would have said this aloud but every other line was sarcastic and it was beginning to get into 'overkill' range.

This plot needed a jolt and soon. Rex repeated that desperate hope under his breath.

Little did he know that the next one lay behind the next corner of this hall.

"Why are you here?" Jessi asked the ever-serious Axaxas.

"Top secret."

"Doesn't really matter at this point," the hare said, cutting in between Axaxas and Jessi as they ran, "It's mostly just a rescue mission but that's just the cover story. We are actually a special sector of the Umbrella Corp. that had been sent to retrieve certain items of sinister intonations."

"Really?" Jessi said, already warming up to the informative hare.

"Hush it Tommy," Axaxas growled.

"Shouldn't they know…?"

"No."

"But there's the time limit and the objectives, they could even help us…"

"We have only got two hours and we do not have time to…"

"Two hours," Jessi gasped, "Two hours for what?"

The raccoon suddenly became embarrassed and nervous at seeing Jessi's horrified expression, " Well you see, there's a fail-safe system on the Mole Hole and…"

"Groom, doom, death and overpriced movie tickets to bad movies, shall be the fate of many and much to us," the stoat of the trio declared, coming up on the side of Jessi opposite of Tommy and Axaxas, "And I shall fade into the realms of unknown actors."

"Shut up you," Axaxas snapped.

"Yeah, don't bring attention to yourself," Tommy added.

"I don't believe in this tyranny, I refuse to fall for the qualms of a 'higher and messed up power, I…"

"Who are you?" Jessi asked, deciding to round up the introductions.

"Ur…" the stoat mumbled something.

"What?"

"Noname m'am."

"He's disposable," the hare Tommy, whispered in Jessi's ear.

"Disposable? What that supposed to me-"

A gun shot blast brought everyone's attention back to the hall. Rex stood a little further down, his large weapon smoking, his maw holding a goofy grin. The group quickly discovered that both ways down this narrow hall, a wall of stalking zombies closed in."

Dringer shoved a clip of ammunition into his own weapon, "Seems were surrounded and this one seems particularly dire in my opinion. Any bright and crazy ideas?"

Rex opened his mouth.

"Except from you Rex."

DING!

Down the hallway, behind the zombies, a passageway slid open, which looked very much like…

"An elevator. That is our route out of here," the hare spoke up, "All we have to do is go through the zombies."

"We already know that, but how?" Dringer asked, annoyed, cocking the rifle that he'd found in the weapon cabinet in the security room. A nagging voice in his head wanted him to shoot his companions and eat their flesh, but he brushed it away. Again this is an almost pointless bit of overshadowing.

"No, we shove past them as quick as we can. I've discovered that zombies have a slower reaction time so as long as we keep moving at a quick rate, I think we'll make it," Tommy explained.

"Is this a really thought out hypothesis or is this a spur-of-the-moment crazy thought?" Rex inquired, an overdone 'intense' look on his face.

The hare shrugged, "The latter of the two."

"Heck, fine with me," the fox said, breaking into his usual goofy grin.

OOO

It almost worked. I say 'almost' for a good reason. It makes you wonder why I said 'almost' and the anticipation of why I said it grows as I keep babbling. Just think about this: would this plan of going through a packed hallway of zombies work in real life?

Well would it?

What do you mean there's no zombie raccoons in real life?

What kind of disillusioned reader are you? You've really got to get out of the house more and live a little. There're zombie raccoons in tons of places…like Canada.

Now that I've lost you let's move to the certain point of the claws of Noname the ferret hanging on desperately to Jessi's lab coat.

"JESSI, NOOO, DON'T LEAVE ME!" the stoat screamed, the zombie paws engulfing him by innumerable and ridiculous numbers. I mean really, the arm to body radio is slightly off here.

Jessi stared in frozen horror at Noname's face as he was pulled into the masses of rotting limbs and gnashing, bloody jaws. She was pulled closer to it by Noname's now nerveless paw.

"I HATE YOU GEO…" Noname's yell was muffled off as he sank under the zombie dogpile, a nice stroke of fate to when a character is about to reveal the omnipotent narrator. Someone took Jessi by her bushy tail and yanked her back, just before the sliding doors closed from the horrible and not very surprising scene.

Finally, a pointless character killed.

Jessi's breaths came in loud, rasping breathes, before she screamed again when she realized that Noname's paw was still grasped to her coat…without the rest of the ferret. She grabbed the closest beast in a terrified hug for comfort or whatever emotionally traumatized beasts do.

"Guess you've warmed up to me, eh?"

Screaming again, Jessi un-embraced and jumped back from the smug Rex. She wanted to run away from the fox but realized she couldn't. "Where are we?"

"In the elevator," Axaxas announced, "But we're not going anywhere," he added, poison on his words.

"The tyrant thing isn't going to help anything," Tommy countered, jamming various elevator buttons, "I don't get it, nothing works."

Dringer noticed something, something subtle that only his type of character would notice, and his eyes narrowed as they looked up, at the buzzing fluorescent light above and the speaker…

"Why is it so quiet?"

"What do you mean by quiet?" Jessi asked, already over her trauma in an unusually quick period.

"There's no lousy elevator music or eerie soundtrack…that can't be good…"

You know, as a movie law, no one can say that and have nothing bad happen. So…

Click.

The elevator plummeted, the lights flickered, weightlessness, high pitch screeching, the digital numbers blurred and beeped, and everyone screamed.

Another screech, they all hit the ground…hard. The elevator door slid open.

Rex was the first to get up, and killed the former suspense, "Can we do that again?"

The metallic voice of Red Dwarf came from above in an evil, disjointed, hinged on crazed madness tone which is an impressive feat for a techno British voice, "That could be arranged."

In panicked frenzy the group scrambled out of the elevator, Rex in tow, before the doors slammed shut.

Now this part ends at this exact point leaving a suitable amount of hanging plot lines which we randomly be solved later with totally nonsense logic.


	6. The Lab

At some random location of dark shadows, a raccoon, unzombiefided, scrambles through a passageway. He is bleeding from various places on his body, his ear is tattered, his arm is being held limply on his side, his eyes are wide in that state of pure terror.

_He slams his paw into a button on the wall and a metal panel falls down, blocking the dark passage behind him. Exhausted, he falls to the floor, leaning onto the steel, laughing, as though he cheated fate. _

_You would think this beast would know better. _

_A drop of slime drips onto his paw. The raccoon stops laughing. He looks up. _

_Scene blacks out with a startling growl. _

OOO

Dringer paced in front of the remaining characters of the tale, Rex, Jessi, Ax, and Tommy, and kept his voice at a strange icy calm as he listed out the traits of their current situation. "Let me get this all straight, first off, someone has been killed from our group…"

"Noname," Jessi noted.

"…Yes, Noname, lost in our almost successful run through a zombie raccoon mosh pit. Thanks for that idea Tommy," he added, the sarcasm evidently signally the word 'idiot' in the hare's direction.

"No problem," the hare said.

"Also, I've just heard that we apparently have about…how long to get out?"

"One hour and thirty-four minutes…ur…thirty-three minutes," Ax confirmed, crossing his arms in disbelief that he was being pushed around by civilian, as a bully though he had no courage to show authority. He cursed the laws of psychology.

"One hour and thirty-three minutes and we are currently somewhere near the bottom of this underground facilities, the Mole Hole. To make matters ever so slightly tense the elevator is out of order due to the little fact that the security system Red Dwarf is 'P.Oed' at us. I figure that may have something to do with _someone _blasting the security room."

He let a pause to let Ax and Tommy to groan in acknowledgement.

"Also I would like to use this time to inquire something: Rex, you have a huge bloody hole in your chest yet you're still alive."

Dringer was right; in the center of the fox's chest was a bloody, flesh ripped hole that definitely wouldn't be fixed by a Band-Aid.

"Tis only a flesh wound," Rex said, brushing the shocked gazes away.

"I'm not sure quoting 'Monty Python's The Holy Grail' will get rid of our curiosity," Jessi informed.

"Nevermind that for now, the other thing we much note at this time is that I'm infected by the T-Virus…"

Two guns were cocked.

"I'm not fully infected Tommy and Ax, I'm _becoming _infected."

A sigh of relief came from Tommy and a groan from Ax because the opportunity to shoot something was thwarted.

"So, since we are on the 'lab floor' or something, let's find the vaccine to save my life."

"How do you know we're on the lab floor? I haven't even said anything yet," Jessi asked.

"It's called 'not-so-coincidental' coincidence, it is a noncoincidenal event which is supposedly a coincidence…" He saw the blank stares, "That made sense before I starting trying to explain it…"

"Wait, wait, wait," Ax cut in, his tyrant tone returning, "Why the heck should we help you guys to find a stupid vaccine?"

"You could easily go by yourself and meet a quick and unsavory demise somewhere," Rex suggested.

"Ur…forget it," Ax muttered, backing down from the argument, "Where's this?"

"It also seems to conveniently located next to where we are sitting right now." A lot of locations seem to pop up conveniently like this in these films, no matter the puzzle of doorways and halls that the characters have gone thought and how lost they are. Anyway, it cuts a lot of unnecessary images of walking and talking and taking coffee breaks and napping at random points and other mundane stuff. However, people still like reality tv for some reason…very odd.

The glass of the lab was murky and brownish, Jessi found something strange about the appearance of it. Her mind scanned through her memories of something about this. She vaguely remembered escaping from something in the lab but her encounter with zombies afterward had erased most of the experience.

Yelling, running, swimming.

Swimming?

Her memories caught up with her the moment that Rex smacked a button to open the lab.

"No, it's…"

The glass panes, slid open, a huge wall of water thundered out of the lab when it did.

OOO

Did you expect that? If you did, I'm amazed because I just threw it in there for the fun of it.

"Nobody ever told me that this place had an indoor swimming pool," Rex declared while attempting to do the backstroke.

"Cut the sly comments, fox," Ax growled.

"My mind's numbing out with all these twists," Dringer muttered as he waded in the lab area, What he didn't' mutter was the images of Ax's head being ripped off and..."

"Forgive me while I go and retch somewhere and try to get a hold of the humanity that I have left,"

"Humanity, you're a mouse that's been turning into a raccoon, what humanity?"

Dringer rethought his last sentence, "O.K. Let me try to push back the urges to EAT YOUR TASTY FLESH. Does that work?"

"Retch away," Rex said, while everyone else send those not very subtle 'worried looks' at each other. 'We need to get that vaccine' Jessi thought to herself.

OOO

Of course, the vaccine wasn't surrounded by bright neon light arrows and huge signs that announced it's presence. That would be too simple. It had to get to a point when the female is somehow seperated from the group and enters a dark and sinister room to try and find the elusive vaccine.

Which by the way is where our squirrel character is near right about now.

This is a rather getting repetitive isn't it? Maybe we should stop right here and leave it off at a cliffhanger until next time.

Naw.

The lab was still under three feet of water despite being drained by the main door being opened. Everything in the room was moldy, grimy and dank. By now this shouldn't be much of a surprise. The musk of wetness hung in the air like a suppressing mold of warm jello. The water, grim and murky of substances unknown, didn't hold the exact consistency of water; instead it sort of slopped about as the four beasts went through it.

Ax made his way to a large cabinet at the edge of the expansive lab area, it was helpfully labeled, 'Vaccines' which basically throws my former hypothesis out of the window.

"It's locked," he muttered, slamming a paw on the technical electronic lock on the doors.

A gun shot rang out.

The lock exploded inches from the raccoon's paw and the cabinet doors slipped open halfway. Nerves jittering, he made a 'look-that-could-blow-up-marshmallow-chickens' glare at Rex, the fox's gun smoking.

"What? I opened it open."

Ax yelled some words that I shant relate because of the ratings issue.

"Ow my ears," Dringer said.

"Where the heck were the FCC on that?!" Rex yelled at the ceiling to unseen censors.

"Hey, there's nothing in here," the raccoon declared about the contents of the cabinet, "It's all broken and stuff."

Tommy twitched in a suspicious way.

"My plot twist senses are tingling."

"Shh Rex...we weren't supposed to notice those 'suspicious gestures' yet," Dringer countered.

"What are we supposed to do, conclude from a muscle twitch that Tommy has rabies?"

"Ur..."

"Exactly but since this always ends up with conforming, I'll let it pass. Tommy, do you need to be 'put down'."

"I don't have rabies."

"I think you're in denial with your issues."

"STOP!" Tommy yelled, his ears by now tied in a knot.

"You need practice with mind numbing dialogue," Dringer said, "By the way, where's Jessi?"

O O O

Jessi is in the place of cliché, separated from the group and going through a dark doorway out of the water-logged lab. She never remembered this in her time in this lab, it was always locked and none of her colleagues mentioned what lay behind it. She doubted if the vaccine lab beyond the dark doorway but she figured it was worth a shot.

Only three steps into the dark she heard scampering. She felt her paw across the wall, the light switch eluding her grasp. The scampering got nearer. She found the switch. The lights flickered on and...

She would have screamed if she could. She found herself on the verge of screaming but unable to because she was that impasse of pure terror and scared dumb (as in 'silent').

It was a large hamster that stalked towards her, not a fluffy hamster, a hamster lacking a key trait that would warrant fluffiness: skin.


	7. The Escape

Certainty

Don't you just hate cliffhangers?

Cliffhangers are just an annoying ploy that Hollywood has to hook unwitting persons into buying a ticket for the sequel. But this isn't the sequel...yet.

Jessi ran as if a zombie skinless hamster was on her tail. Which is quiet a coincidence considering that there was a zombie skinless hamster chasing her.

Her paws slipped on the slick metal floor. Her panicked breathing was unusually magnified. Of course she chanced a look behind her, and what was she supposed to see besides a rabid hamster chasing after her? (If you are wondering by now, the hamsters in this are about the size of Dobermans proportion wise, hope that makes it a bit more suspenseful). Jessi didn't know where she was running, she had ran into a hall that led out of the mysterious room, gloomy lighting surrounded her once again. She saw an open door. She sprinted past it and slammed it. Jessi breathed a sigh of relief, just before a slobbery hamster maw smacked against the window on the door at Jessi's face level. She backed away from the door and bumped into something that rattled.

Kennels, empty kennels, that were dripping blood.

These are all very bad signs, especially in plural form.

Jessi closed her eyes, "Please don't let this be a plot foreshadowing, please no more random conflicts, please don't let Noname be right, please oh..." She heard the growling, she opened one eye.

Four skinless hamsters stood in the room with her, maws all dripping, eyes a white blankness. The door handle turned and the door swung open and the fifth hamster entered, it released a squeak. It was a signal.

The hamsters lunged and in this moment Jessi's fur all stood on end and some hidden instinct snapped into position.

The F/X filming team rejoiced at the return of another cool slow motion Matrix style rip-off scene. The feminist in the audience rejoiced because from that 'warrior' look in her expression she is going to show that ladies are not weaker sex. The writer of this spoof will become lazy and forgo description by saying: the now crazy squirrelmaid kicked some zombie hamster butt in a dazzling array of slow motion and cool action movie moves.

You can shake your heads in disappointment now.

O O O

Meanwhile, the three clueless males cautiously edged down the hallway that led from the dark room that connected to the lab from which they figured Jessi had left. They figured it was this way because of bloody pawprints from an unknown creature. The fourth creature of the group, the single striped fox, Rex, was not clueless; he was stuck in a 'devil-may-dare' optimism.

"So you think she's been killed viciously?" Rex pondered optimistically, "Hopefully with her entrails being..."

"Stop, my lunch is in risk of coming back," Dringer muttered.

"You didn't have lunch."

"Doesn't matter!"

"I figure it will be five more seconds before we hear 'creepy lady screaming'."

"Please shut up," Ax growled, as he checked the sharpness of a large hunting knife that came from his belt.

Rex eyed the knife, "Is that how you cut your pb & j sandwiches?"

Tommy stepped between the raccoon and the fox before Ax cut something off the fox, "This is ridiculous that fox is 'trying' to annoy you and anyway, his theories are nothing to be taken seri..."

A monstrous, unearthly scream that echoed from down the hall cut him off.

"You were saying?" Rex inquired of the hare.

"Ur...it wasn't a 'lady scream'."

"Heck it was just an over terrified Jessi."

"Wanta bet?" The red furred squirrelmaid appeared besides them, her lab coat now even more ripped up and bloody, her fur disheveled, and a crazed adrenaline light in her face.

"Where were you?" Rex asked.

"Somewhere."

"What were you doing?"

"Getting rid of some unnecessary conflict."

Silence.

"I for one do not want to know," Dringer announced. It was then, in the dim light in the hallway before them, that they saw a shadowy movement.

"By the way, I think we should run," Jessi recommended.

O O O

"I haven't told you everything," Jessi yelled as they ran, there is something else besides the T-virus I was working on. I was also in a project in the cryogenics lab, of course a top secret thing. So to hurry this up, blah, blah, blah, we created a creature of incredible power, guile, knowledge, and 'scary factor'. I think that it escaped from the Cryogenics Lab."

Ax was getting pretty trigger jumpy "Can't we shoot it?"

"It would be like smacking a sewer pipe with a sledgehammer, stupid."

The thumping of the beast chasing them filled the hall. They were all pretty bored of running down hallways. The tenseness and drive of survival was dwindling. They promptly got past another door and slammed it shut. They were in a small, black, room, two certain forms could be seen on the opposite wall, elevator doors.

"I swear, there is no emergency stairwells in this place, I need to speak to a Fire Marshall once we get out," the strange fox commented.

The thick metal door rattled, they concluded quickly that it wouldn't hold much longer.

DING! One of the elevators slid open.

"Thank goodness," Ax signed and entered into it.

The others stared, frozen to their spots.

The raccoon snapped. "That's it! I'm tired of this, I'm supposedly the tyrant of this tale and I haven't got to make one lousy order. You just stand there when we have an opportunity to get out of this demented maze of zombies and blood and bad camera angles. You listen to a raccoon whose actually a mouse, what kinda stupid plot twist is that..."

The writer furiously changed his mind about not killing anyone else in a cliché manner.

"...anyway, you, Dringer, you were the one who complained about no elevator music and then it plummeted in the first place. Now there's music...what's this song again?"

"Another One Bites the Dust?" Rex answered.

"The fox is diligent, unlike you Ax," a lady British voice said.

A look of someone who realized that they just tied their shoelace to a cable that is connected to a rocket ship that is going to take off in two seconds crossed the 'tyrant' raccoon's face.

"Oh dang."

The doors didn't even shut before the elevator shot upwards and Ax escaped from the sight of the others.

O O O

Ax's body was pushed to the floor by the increasing G-force. The Red Dwarf appeared in the elevator next to him. She smiled, seeing the raccoon's horror stricken face.

"Congratulations, you've just found out 'Way to Get Killed in a Horror/Suspense movie #203': Act Cocky."

The numbers of the floor indicator were in a blur, the high pitch whirring continued.

Ax said some words unmentionable.

Impact.

O O O

The ensuing explosion of fire and warm air reached down to where the four beasts stared at the open elevator shaft. "I hope I get that cool of a death," Rex said.

DING.

The other elevator opened.

The door behind the crashed, a dent grew in it from the force from the other side.

The hologram of the short weasel appeared, "Hullo again, sorry for that loss of my temper, I feel much better now."

"You just killed Ax," Tommy said in a dazed voice of disbelief.

"As I'm said, sorry bout that. You'll see him at the end of filming party, plus they'll be deserts served."

A mass of crumpled and smoking debris fell past in the now out of order shaft that Ax took.

"How can we trust you won't do the same thing to us?"

The holographic weasel tried her best to throw innocence in her expression, "Two choices: risk a ride on my homemade Tower of Terror or be ripped apart by still unknown terror behind that door."

With choices like that, who needs a presidential election?

The four scrambled into the remaining elevator. Before the doors closed, Dringer remembered a plot point. "Ur...how much time do we have to get out of here now?"

"About less than an hour."

"And of course you realize that YOUR SMALL BRAINS WILL BE GREAT SNACKS and we didn't find the vaccine."

Tommy's whiskers twitched, so did the rest of his face. "We'll find them," a grim smile spread across his face.

"Does he have rabies or something?" Jessi asked.

"I don't know but Dringer is drooling on me," Rex complained.

"Dang," Dringer sighed.

The elevator closed.


	8. The Tram

"Are you measuring my skull?" Rex asked.

"NO," Dringer yelled back in his crazed raspy voice, hiding the ruler behind him, "Ur...I mean no."

"What's happening to your level-headedness?"

"Nothing. Why DOES YOUR MAW LOOK SO TASTY?"

"You know, I think that think that you're now the sane one compared to him," Jessi said shot to Rex, coughing to cover a snicker.

"Thanks...wait a second..."

The elevator opened and they carefully stepped out, All guns aiming everywhere at once.

The room they stepped into was both a welcome and unwelcome change. Welcome because it was not a hallway for once, unwelcome because it was a sprawling lobby of an open area planted with thick stone columns that practical anything could be hiding behind.

They were on edge. If a clown had jumped from behind one of those forms with balloon animals in paw it would receive more holes than Swiss cheese. From a hundred yards across the room, a glass door lay and part of the tram could be seen though that. This is fairly impressive that this can be seen from that distance, so I'll just hope that the readers don't notice.

"I think that I need glasses, I can't see that," Rex said squinting.

"It doesn't matter, we have to get from here to the tram and escape to the surface," Tommy announced.

"I hate to sound like the realist here, but it can't be this easy," Jessi said, sounding skeptical.

"Don't say stuff like that," Dringer hissed, fighting off the bloody thoughts of raw disembodied limbs that bounced in his head.

One zombie raccoon appeared nearby, all guns aimed and fired at the same time. The zombie seemed confused at his arms falling off.

Dringer started into a jog, "We are about to enter the domino effect."

Jessi couldn't catch all these fourth wall terms, "Meaning?"

Rex was happy to oblige, "One little zombie means that hordes of them are on the horizon."

Keeping on his developing biting edge Tommy shot in, "Where are you getting this information?"

Dringer laughed, "Experience by surviving an unusually long horror spoof."

Cue awkward silence.

"You really have to stop making comments like that," Rex concluded.

Halfway point of the room. A series of groaning and growling echoed around them. The jog had turned into a reckless run.

"I think we're going to make it," Jessi yelled.

"Don't say that!" Dringer and Rex yelled back.

"Too late," Tommy added.

The groups of zombie raccoons were diverging between them and the exit at a quicker speed than normal.

"What happened to the zombie stalking?" Rex asked.

The zombies slowed down significantly to the zombie stalking, but they still blocked our 'heroes' way.

Tommy wagged his ears in an annoyed fashion, "I would come up with something but I'm determined to be withdrawn and suspicious."

Dringer suddenly took hold of the hare's throat and started shaking him violently. "I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR EYES OUT AND SUCK ON THEIR JUICES OUT BUT NOT BEFORE I SLOWLY PEAL THE FLESH OFF YOUR SMUG FACE WHILE YOU SCREAM FOR MERCY!" Dringer broke into a mad laughter and the foam grew at his mouth, his eyes rolled back into his skull.

A paw punched into the raccoon's maw. "Thanks Rex I needed that."

"Pleasures all mine, I think that Tommy wants to breathe now."

He released the hare, who sank to the floor rasping for air, "Oh, sorry."

"Chandelier," Jessi mused.

Ignoring the squirrel, the three males shot all their ammunition at the zombies and didn't even make a dent in the horde.

Rex shook his vest hoping mounds of bullets would rain out, but didn't, "What now?"

One more shot rang out, the three males looked at Jessi, her gun smoking.

Rex folded his armed in disbelief, "Where'd you get a silver Magnum revolver?"

The crash of the chandelier falling interrupted the answer.

The zombies were momentarily dispersed.

"RUN!" they all yelled at once and took their own advice at the same time.

O O O

How they did it I'm not sure but they made it to the tram and collapsed onto its floor.

O O O

At the elevator, the shaft exploded out into the lobby and a beast climbed out of the cavernous hole, Drooling for fresh meat, preferably in the form of unwitting actors/intruders in his domain. It sniffed the air, its eyes; computing everything in a blood red hue due to camera filters, saw the half open door a hundred yards away...

O O O

The tram whirred and screeched as it rolled at a slow yet steady pace down the track. Some sparks flew between the wheels and track for no reason besides having the camera film 'something' to cause apprehension.

O O O

Jessi was worried, "What's wrong with Dringer?"

"Why do you ask?"

"He's withering on the floor and laughing hysterically."

"So?" That seemed normal enough to Rex, "Maybe it's too much sugar."

Dringer shivered, his mind was slipping away and all he could hear was sarcasm.

"I think I know how to cure him," Tommy said in a grim monotone voice. CLICK. He placed the muzzle of his gun to the side of Dringer's head.

Dringer stopped laughing.

On an impulse Rex tackled the hare, knocking him away from harming the raccoon's cranium. "What the heck are you doing?!" Rex yelled.

"Curing him," Tommy answered in a matter-of-fact way.

Jessi sank to the floor and took the raccoon's head in her lap. She stroked the gray fur on his head, "By killing him? You realize that he is the main reason that any of us are still alive?"

"Plus, the test audiences rated him as their favorite character that they would 'rather not have a bloody and disturbing death'...behind me, of course," Rex added.

The hare became curious, "Where am I on that list?"

Rex hemmed and hawed.

"Please tell me this isn't going to get sappy, I'm not going to let that raccoon...mouse...whatever he is...become a zombie and kill us all" Tommy said aiming the gun again, "Jessi move!"

"But I love him!"

"What!?" Tommy, Rex, and Dringer, who came out of his zombie daze, yelled.

Tears flowed down her face, "Yes, it's true, I love Dringer."

"My gosh, shoot me!" Dringer pleaded.

Tommy started to laugh and he moved to the end of the tram. The tram sped down the track now, rumbling, the lights flickering. The smile the hare had appeared almost maniac in the flickering.

"Where are those 'grip guys' and their supposed 'lighting skills' on this set," Rex said, tapping one of the florescent lights.

The hare's paw slipped into his black vest and fished out a thin plastic package, labeled in large helpless letters "T-virus Vaccine".

The fact dawned on the fox, "Hey, that's the T-virus vaccine,"

"Your reading skills are impeccable Rex."

"But why?" Jessi asked, forgetting about crying.

"Because, I, Tommy, am the evil this tale. The evil that caused all this to happen the evil that released this virus into the Mole Hole..."

"Wait, back up, you were part of that security team that came Iafter/I the virus was released, you couldn't have done it," Rex observed.

"Ur...that doesn't matter because I have the vaccine and there is nothing you can do about it to save your friend."

"You're avoiding the main question: Why are you doing this?"

"Because I am diabolically evil. I'm greedy. I just want to cause an unexpected and random plot twist. Plus, I shall sell this off and TAKE OVER THE WORLD."

"Really?"

"Well...no...but it sounded good though, didn't it?"

"Kinda cliché actually."

"Never mind, I shall now stand here and give an evil laugh- BAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Mmm…I would have thought the writers would come up with a better plot twist than this," Rex sighed, "Kind of a letdown."

The writers for this horror genre may not be the best but they know how to have a little fun now and again when they get together with the F/X crew. They decided to finally reveal the creature that they had been keeping mysterious for the last half of this rambling storyline.

Soon...

Tommy continued laughing, Rex knew he wouldn't be able to get his paw to a weapon in time, Jessi still held Dringer's head, Dringer snapped at Jessi with his drooling jaws.

Tommy made a dramatic bow before reaiming his gun at Rex, "Thank you compadres for helping me through the few obstacles in this place. Sorry that I now must bid you adu."

His paw began to pull the trigger, then stopped.


	9. The Beast and The End?

_OOC: This is officially the strangest thing that I've ever written. I'm not even sure why I posted it here actually…mmm… This is a tale that has come from the simple act of jumping the track of everything that I'd ever done before. I've never written a parody, or a 'horror' tale, or anything remotely bloody ever before. I'll leave it you to decide if I've watched many bloody movies. I started this because of a completely random bit of inspiration the day before school began this year. It was meant to be a one part one-time thing and it turned into this due to the fact that I needed somewhere to vent my sarcasm and annoyances from school daze (which could explain the unorthodox SPAGage)._

_Thanks to those who all read this rambling bit of work, thanks for the imput also. I could also see from the view numbers that there was regular number of glances so I must wonder if there silence readers of this out there ( I could hope…)._

_So that's all I can say, and in conclusion…here is the conclusion for 'Bloody…Random…Weird…oh well'…_

IC :Why he stopped is due to a long line of complicated events that are not worth bothering with. Anyway, you knew that he would never pull the trigger. He's the bad guy and you know that something is going to happen to stop him. It's a basic principle that the 'bad guy' is eliminated in some violent way, or at least foiled from doing his perfect plan. Which brings us back to the reason that he didn't pull the trigger.

In simple terms, his head was chomped off. Half it at least, so that everything above his muzzle was gone. Almost gone, the hare's ears were still sticking out of the beast's jaws.

The Beast, half in the tram by way of the back window, took another chomp out of the hare's body before it even hit to the floor. The case of vaccine clattered across the floor from the body, right between the footpaws of Rex.

"Ooo, convenience."

Before Rex picked it up, the beast growled in a loud, nerve cracking tone.

Maw foaming, eyes bloody red, skin at a mix of flesh and strips of gray, kinda fluffy looking, fur, the Beast yanked itself forward, at the three still alive creatures in the tram.

"What in the world? Is that what I think it is?" Rex gasped, "It can't be..."

"A chinchilla," Jessi confirmed in dazed, 'out of it' tone, "Yes, we didn't know…"

The fluffy gray muzzle of the beast twitched, much like that of a rabbit, it was four or five times the size of any normal beast and if it weren't this huge, dangerous, fearsome, bloody beast it could be considered cute. If you don't understand what a chinchilla is look it up on Google so you'll understand this little inside joke.

It hopped forward.

Rex knew he had to do something and the gears of his disjointed mind rolled. Dringer no longer was available to counter him with level headedness. It was all up to him. He grabbed the vaccine case and tossed it to Jessi, "Save Dringer, I'll handle the beast."

"But..."

"Or we could be stand dumbly and be appetizers."

"Good luck, I..."

"If you say you love me I swear I'll just use you as bait."

"Oh. Forget it then."

The white striped fox breathed deeply and sprinted at the chinchilla beast. The action took the beast off guard and it only managed a snap at the fox when Rex was already past. Rex leapt out of the rear window of the speeding tram, an action that makes absolutely no sense when you're trying to save the day. Somehow his paw snagged an outside latter rod and his body swung from possibility of becoming a bloody smear to ending up on the side of the tram on a skinny ledge. He heard the beast howl, he wondered how a chinchilla could howl, chinchillas were supposed to sit around, nibble and look cute, this was a truly messed up beast.

He noted the unusual calm on the outside of this tram. The F/X noted this too and the fans began send a windy gale on the figure of Rex.

Rex couldn't hold it in any more, "You will not defeat me! I refuse to be the outcome of some random twist! I have a bullet hole in my chest, I've went through hordes of zombies, you can't get rid of me," as he yelled his rants, he edged down the side of the tram. As if someone heard him the gale lowered a bit. For once in his life Rex couldn't figure out an actual sarcastic comment. The realization that this was life or death dawned on him, and he still had not bothered to read the script so he didn't have clue what was going to happen. Screeching metal, the chinchilla was following, its claws puncturing the metal of the tram.

"Chinchilla's don't have claws!" Rex screamed.

Minor detail, ignore it. Rex couldn't ignore objects that could rip his lungs out.

The red light, the fox saw it, he kept edging carefully along. Rex made it to the other edge of the tram, nowhere to go. The chinchilla would get him soon and it would all be over.

The growl sounded, and before he could do anything else, the claws caught his black vest. Rex turned to stare dumbly at the beast whose maw drooled inches away from his own gapping jaw. There was only one last thing to do. The fox put up a paw, "One moment," the fox quickly rubbed a tuff of fur on the chinchilla monster's muzzle, "Hey, whatdoya know, it Iis/I eerily soft and fluffy. Carry on."

The beast opened its mouth to unceremonially chomp Rex.

The red light was much closer. The fox closed his eyes. As least he did a cool action scene without a stunt double before he died.

BANG!

A gunshot rang out over the noise of the tram. The beast flinched, the side of its face exploded in redness, its turned its attention away from Rex. While it was distracted, paws yanked the fox, by his vest, into the tram. The next thing, Rex found himself looking into Jessi's eyes, as they stumbled to the tram floor. Jessi had pulled him in. Rex almost wanted to kiss her.

You actually thought he got away from that chinchilla that easily?

The beast's head bashed in from one of the side windows, way too close for comfort, its head lunged at Rex. Someone screamed, if doesn't matter who really. Another shot rang out, but that doesn't matter much either. Rex didn't have any time to scramble, dodge or hop away from the jaws but that also doesn't matter much. What does matter is the red light. You know that red light that was mentioned various times before and Rex saw and was meant to signify something? That was a signal light on a certain change of the tram tunnel. The narrowing of the passage came, and the bulk of the beast hung off the side. Not enough clearance for the bulk so…

I'll generalize and say a lot of blood splattered accompanied by a loud eardrum puncturing roar and the chinchilla was no longer in the window.

"Jessi? You, you, s-saved me," Rex stuttered, "But if you pulled me in, who made that shot?"

Someone snickered and Rex noticed Dringer holding his signature shotgun, standing, non-zombiefied.

"That vaccine worked pathetically well," Rex said.

"Plot device Rex, plot device," Dringer laughed.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Doesn't matter now, all that matters that its about to be the final act, right....about...

O O O

"Now."

The three surviving creatures found themselves outside of a reflective steel sliding door, in the middle of a ballroom that contained a slick hardwood floor and a lone piano and a sparkling chandelier. A picture window showed the outside of trees and flowers in a nighttime setting.

"How did we get out here already?" Rex said.

"Unorthodox transition," Dringer said, "Now that we're out and this is the point where we tie everything up in a non Boy Scout regulation knot."

"Wait, I gave you the vaccine but you're still a raccoon. Shouldn't you turn back into mouse?" Jessi pondered.

"We're not tying up everything."

Rex scratched at the back of his ear, "We've just escaped the 'Mole Hole', survived a series of events that even Stephen King would scoff at, have a unheard of number of survivors, and unearthed that the Umbrella Corp. doesn't make umbrellas. So what now?"

Dringer shrugged then pointed at Rex, "But first, how come you were shot through the chest and are still alive?"

"Yeah, I don't even know the answer to that," Jessi added.

"It's kinda complicated but...what was that sound?"

There was a clicking outside.

"Is that a tree branch or something?" Rex whispered, "Or could it possibly be another plot twist?"

"Haven't we went through enough?" Jessi sobbed.

"Forget about us, how 'bout the audience that has stuck through this whole thing?" Dringer hissed.

Suddenly creatures in dark attires crashed through the picture window and before anyone could react the beasts shot something at them.

Dringer saw Jessi and Rex fall to the floor. He was panicking now and a dark dread overcame him, "Who are you? What the heck are you doing? What is mentally wrong with the author of this? Wh-" Dringer felt the puncture of a dart in his throat and just as quick a sleepiness over came him, he fell back, back, the gloom over taking him. He heard voices.

"These guys musta made it out, good thing too, wouldn't want to lose these two especially."

"Yeah, it would be millions of dollars down the drain."

"Why couldn't they use those millions of dollars to raise our wages."

"I wouldn't question the Corp."

"What are we doing here again."

"Activating a infamous plot twist and leaving it unsolved for the sequel."

BANG!

"Why'd you shoot him?"

"Too much fourth wall breaking in this story."

"Take the fox and the squirrel."

"How 'bout the raccoon?"

"Leave him, he's useless to our cause."

"Won't he tell what he saw in there?"

"Heck, if he does, why will it matter? Who would believe him?"

"One of those nuts at a sci-fi convention?"

"No one. Leave him...for the sequel…"

Dringer fully lost consciousness.

O O O


	10. The 'Sequel' Trailer

RE 'Spoof'

Resident Evil 'Spoof' Sequel Trailer

Narrator VO: "13 and a half days ago, the Umbrella Corp. made a mistake in the secret location called the 'Mole Hole'.

Camera speeding through hallways stained by blood and shadowy

N; "Only three creatures survived the horrors unleashed."

Scene of Dringer shooting off shotgun

Scene of Rex making the slow motion jump into Cafeteria

Scene of Jessi Matrix kicking a skinless hamster

N; "Now, 13 and a half days later, something happens."

Dringer cocking his shotgun

Dringer: Dang I hate sequels.

Rex steps in studying a piece of paper

Rex: I knew I shouldn't have signed this contract.

Camera scanning over the streets of Raccoon City

Raccoons in biochem suits prying open door

Same raccoons walking into darkness

Raccoon #1: Look something moving in the shadows; let's investigate instead of running for our lives.

flash of 'something' jumping

Raccoon #2: What was my line again? Oh yeah...AHHH!

huge sinister explosion and impact ring expanding out

Rex looking out window Rex: "That can't be good."

N: The randomness starts all over again.

scene of closed door, something knocks on it

Dringer opens in, a group of 'commando raccoons' and large badger.

Leader (badger) : "Hello, we're a ragtag group of 'heroes'. Are you Dringer?"

door slams

Rex: Who was it?

Dringer: Clichés.

Commandos, Rex and Dringer standing on abandoned street, debris of rubble and burned out cars everywhere, zombies appear stalking down the street

Leader: With your experience what do you think we should do?"

Rex and Dringer look at each other then run in opposite direction of zombies

Jessi VO: I can't believe this is happening..

Jessi in car, yanking the steering wheel, barely missing cars

car goes in a jump, spinning upside-down

Black screen, words: 'From the director of 'Bloody…Random…Weird…Oh well'

car stops in midair, Jessi climbs out

Jessi: What happened?

Rex walks up

Rex: Seems that our f/x budget has fell out.

Black screen, words: And the Producer of other random projects

Scene of Rex jumping from building connected to rope

Jessi, Dringer and Leader, with guns, peaking around corner

Jessi: Where's Rex?

Rex hits ground behind them from above

Gets up, holding rope

Rex: Too much slack.

Black screen words fade in

13 1/2 Days Later: Bloodier, Randomier...Weirder...Oh Well!

Coming 'Soon' 2005

Maybe...


End file.
